wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
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it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.