@Gupton68

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you

You Might Also Like

@Papa_Mex

-I’m just gonna have 1 drink before dinner
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink with dinner
-I’m just gnna hav 1 aftdinr drk
-I pishd ma pnts gen

@HatfieldAnne

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

@DanMentos

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

@garrettbarry70

There’s nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.

@PaigeKellerman

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

@sonictyrant

I shouldn’t say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill

@murrman5

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

@ShutUpThatsWho

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?