wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
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Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”