-I’m just gonna have 1 drink before dinner
-I’m just gonna have 1 drink with dinner
-I’m just gnna hav 1 aftdinr drk
-I pishd ma pnts gen
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
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With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
There’s nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.
People who live in stone houses can throw all the glass they want.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I shouldn’t say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?