WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
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[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”