Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
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keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”