Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

Finally, an explanation.

Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice