*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
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My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?