Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
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Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Husband of the year 😂