“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
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My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I am yelling
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.