“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

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*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.


[two guys watching me in a surveillance van]
Guy: i think im gonna be sick
Other guy: he seriously just ate an entire stick of deodorant


Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.


My cat just told me to stop talking during the movie.

Maybe homemade psychedelics were a bad idea


Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.


Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”


Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?


There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.


[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

Primary cause of death: Eating


Your honor, I second that motion

Judge: Ma’am, I’m simply reading your husband’s request to be cremated