*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
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[two guys watching me in a surveillance van]
Guy: i think im gonna be sick
Other guy: he seriously just ate an entire stick of deodorant
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
My cat just told me to stop talking during the movie.
Maybe homemade psychedelics were a bad idea
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Primary cause of death: Eaten
Primary cause of death: Eating
Your honor, I second that motion
Judge: Ma’am, I’m simply reading your husband’s request to be cremated