@Brianhopecomedy

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

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@theshamingofjay

*tries for a year to brush and floss better*

*goes to dentist*

Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?

@EndhooS

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

@michaelajeffery

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

@heatherlou_

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

@JhonRules

how to get into shape:
1. punch a bear
2. run. this is your life now

@ArfMeasures

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again