@TweetPotato314

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

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@JB4Realz

“Y’ever wonder why the TARDIS is square on the outside but round on the inside?”

*SuperCuts lady finishes my haircut without another word*

@EverydayGirlDad

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

@TheAndrewNadeau

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

@Kyle_Lippert

There are 5 things I really hate:
1) Racists.
2) People who can’t spell.
3) Math
4) Whyte people

@abbycohenwl

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

@causticbob

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

@NickMcNevich

Stalker? Me? Nooooo. But you should call your mom, she left you a message yesterday while you were sleeping. I muted it so you could rest

@Canadian_Cutie_

I had to use a rotary phone to try to get concert tickets so don’t you tell me Ticket Master online is taking too long

@karlainvt

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.