wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
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[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle