One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
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I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My parents are middle aged.
“Mine are to-”
[parents burst through bedroom door on horses]
“CHILD! DOST THOU DESIRE NOURISHMENT?”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
There’s really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else’s phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
In my defense, my response to her inquiry as to how my day was going was “I’m less stabby than normal” not “Please tell me about your cat.”