“Y’ever wonder why the TARDIS is square on the outside but round on the inside?”
*SuperCuts lady finishes my haircut without another word*
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
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As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
There are 5 things I really hate:
2) People who can’t spell.
4) Whyte people
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Stalker? Me? Nooooo. But you should call your mom, she left you a message yesterday while you were sleeping. I muted it so you could rest
I had to use a rotary phone to try to get concert tickets so don’t you tell me Ticket Master online is taking too long
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.