wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
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Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
My life in a nutshell
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.