[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
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cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
me: *sets down bagpipes*
How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?
Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
ANGEL: Welcome to heaven, you can’t swear here
ME: Who’s gonna fubbin’ stop me?
ME: Holy sheet
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.