@daddyville

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

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@mjkspeaks

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

@WhaJoTalkinBout

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

@thatUPSdude

How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?

Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.

@I_Bl33d_Purple

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

@mrjohndarby

ANGEL: Welcome to heaven, you can’t swear here

ME: Who’s gonna fubbin’ stop me?

ANGEL:

ME: Holy sheet

@CopBroughtPizza

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

@GorillaNipples1

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.