I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Wife: Stop acting like a child!
Me: *hiding in clothing rack*
I WANT TO GO HOME!
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Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
There, happy now? You c**ts.
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Stick it to the man
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
2/Stop for no reason