None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
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Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is