WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
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*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I can also cook 😂
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
smartest karate player in the world
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.