@rockymomax

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

@Tbone7219

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

@TylerFoFyler

Had a big mix up at the store today, apparently when the clerk said “strip down facing me,” she meant my credit card.

@lisaxy424

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

@ShutUpThatsWho

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

@DannyZuker

Because they need to bring young people to the church, insiders say the front runner for Pope is Seth MacFarlane.

@AmishPornStar1

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

@JihadPizza

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.