Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.

Everyone has a nickname.

If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.

Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.