WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
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Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.