WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
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He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.