WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
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Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak