WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
You Might Also Like
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Good morning y’all ☀️
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy