wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
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My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur