wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
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Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Ha
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas