“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
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[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
A sequel to a time travel movie but it’s released before the first film
me: are you checking me out
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.
…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
What a night
And a text? Killing it
ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.