WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
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[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.