Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
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If you’re testing me, we failed.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.