@GrantTanaka

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

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@andlikelaura

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

@mrjohndarby

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

@UberFacts

In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.

As he expected, no one came.

@shutupmikeginn

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

@generativist

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

@Reverend_Scott

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

@Chumpstring

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

@Taylor_Stag

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

@MyPolishFace

Me: guess what I shaved!
Him: your armpits?
Me: no
Him: your mustache?
Me: no
Him: your nec-
Me: I don’t wanna play this game anymore