@MarfSalvador

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

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@IamEnidColeslaw

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

@AlanHungover

*Food hits floor* Little germs: GET IT!!! King Germ: NO! We must wait 5 seconds!

@hazelmotes1

When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don’t cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.

@slimmy_shady

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

@NightValeRadio

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

@shutupmikeginn

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

@jwoodham

“You have a date? With who?”
[Sees a fishing boat]
“Uh, her name is Net…”
[Sees someone with a booger]
“Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit.”

@FattMernandez

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.