wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
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Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.