wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
You Might Also Like
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I didn’t realize that was an option
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama