Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
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Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
it must be school picture day
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.