@Cravin4

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

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@KenJennings

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

@Nyx422

This bum said everyone who gives him $10 gets a “special” surprise in the alley.

My gut says no……but my heart says its a puppy!

@Brampersandon_

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

@TheToddWilliams

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

@DanMentos

BREAKING: Hugh Hefner dies at 69. He was 91 years old

@chapel3929

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

@mydaughtersarmy

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

@i_Lean

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.