Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
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Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
If Ben Affleck played Daredevil and Batman does that mean that he’s blind as a bat?
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.