Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
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Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?