@BrendanHealy4

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

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@HireMeImFunny

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

@lazerdoov

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

@aveuaskew

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

@LizHackett

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

@DamienFahey

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

@SinCityChiGirl

If Ben Affleck played Daredevil and Batman does that mean that he’s blind as a bat?
#WellThatsAGoodQuestion

@climaxximus

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

@lawyerthoughts

Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.

Me: this is my service burrito.

@MUMSIEesq

Pro Tip:
Do not let your kids push that red button in the elevator. The fire department will NOT think its adorable.