@ThugRaccoons

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors

Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS

- @ThugRaccoons

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@silent_musings

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

@daemonic3

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

@Bob_Janke

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

@zachreinert03

My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen

@SPAC3CRAF

Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727…

@Sickayduh

[Titanic]
Steward: Lifeboats are assigned by your star sign.
Aries, this boat. Virgo, that boat-

“What about Leo?”

Steward: No. Leo dies.

@daemonic3

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

@meganamram

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

@JohnLyonTweets

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

@iamburtjarvis

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.