WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
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I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Boom, boom, ching!
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
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My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Never be a pizza!
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.