wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
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A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.