For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
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My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Meow
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.