Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
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I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Sooo many times…..