Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.