Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
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ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above