@_The_Man__

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

You Might Also Like

@lottie_fly_x

Me: it’s sunny! Maybe I’ll get a tan!

My face: *activate freckles*

@xLiserx

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

@

Ikea meatballs pulled from shelves because they contain horse meat. Man, that’s the last time I buy meatballs at a furniture store.

@KentWGraham

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

@roxiqt

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

@TweetPotato314

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

@Megatronic13

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

@Discourt

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

@Divergentmama

[At the magic store]

Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.

Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?

Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.

@tastefactory

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”