Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
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Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient