Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
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[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
No matter what he’s talking about, bring the conversation back to your cat.
“I love to travel.”
“My cat’s an explorer.”
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I put the ‘fun’ in functional alcoholic.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Earlier today I went to a girl’s highschool soccer game and there was a rough play where two players went to the ground. I guess one of them pulled the other’s hair so she gets up and says “I liked it better when your bf pulled my hair” not even the ref knew what to do. I fainted
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate