WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
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Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.