I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
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“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age