WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

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I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”


“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car


[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here


Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?


[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.


him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration


Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.


Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?


Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age