Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Lmao the reply
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face