wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
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Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”