@Browtweaten

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

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@polksalad

Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.

@ObscureGent

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

@thenatewolf

ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions.

DETECTIVE: [sighs]

ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.

@hardlyrelevant

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

@jwoodham

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

@mrjohndarby

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name

@FuckabillyRex

Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, “There’s no one here,” so I think I handled that very well.