Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
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friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
me: William Wonka
ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions.
ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
dropping hints like
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, “There’s no one here,” so I think I handled that very well.