Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
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“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I’m already scared
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…