WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
You Might Also Like
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now