WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
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The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.