Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
You Might Also Like
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.