WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
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Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
These are my roll models.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.