WIFE: There’s a rat in the house. Please get rid of it.

ME: Okay.


ME: Son, you shouldn’t have told on your sister. I’m afraid you gotta go.

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Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.


When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.


Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.


Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.

I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass


[Hubs to my 6yo]

Hubs: So, your mother says sarcasm doesn’t work with children

6yo: You dont say!


you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity


NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*


Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though


Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.


I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.