Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
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My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts