I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
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Note to younger women:
Remember, men are always after just one thing: your snacks.
Do not leave the refrigerator unlocked.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Coworker *parks Prius
Coworker 2 *locks bike up
Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
– looking for shells on the north pole beach