*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
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Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
You know you’re Canadian when you’re excited for 8 degree weather.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
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Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
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I’m not a violent person. I just really enjoy assisting people in falling down.