@flashember

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

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@RunwayDan

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

@MadelnCanada

You know you’re Canadian when you’re excited for 8 degree weather.

@rebrafsim

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

@GrantTanaka

I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate

@edgarrants

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

@Death_Buddy

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

@SeanEmeny

I treat women well cause I’m a real man. Also, if I’m nice to them maybe they’ll come over and kill this spider for me

@Ilovelamp1979

I’m not a violent person. I just really enjoy assisting people in falling down.