WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

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Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.


You know you’re Canadian when you’re excited for 8 degree weather.


Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate


I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate


Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.


Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]


I treat women well cause I’m a real man. Also, if I’m nice to them maybe they’ll come over and kill this spider for me


I’m not a violent person. I just really enjoy assisting people in falling down.